


sometimes living's too hard

by writingatnight



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, alec is barely in it he's just kind of there, izzy and rosa are both mentioned, set after 3x3, the major character death is just rosa nothing new
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 12:06:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14284578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingatnight/pseuds/writingatnight
Summary: Set after 3x3. After Rosa's death, Raphael goes to Magnus for comfort. AKA, I suck at writing summaries but I know this was the scene we all wanted so give it a shot?





	sometimes living's too hard

**Author's Note:**

> this was written before ep 4 came out so... just pretend that the events of ep 4 happened like a few days later than they did? or pretend they didn't happen? idk. also sorry this isn't great but i wrote it in like fifteen minutes after i watched 3x3 then stressed about posting it for a week. i know this trope has probably been written a million times but i wanted to put mine out there. also it's unbeta'ed.
> 
> title is from troye sivan's "for him."

When Magnus got a phone call from Raphael, it was never a good sign. It was why Magnus gave him such a loud ringtone - if he was calling, it was generally important. He was insanely stubborn, hardly used anything from this century, and just generally preferred to talk face-to-face. So when Magnus was woken up by ringing and saw his caller I.D. flash across his phone screen at five in the morning, he picked up immediately.

"Raphael? Care to tell me why you’re calling at such an ungodly hour?"

Magnus expected Raphael to shoot back with something like 'and you’re, what, calling me in your sleep?' or even just a simple ' _dios_ , you’re irritating'. What he was _not_ expecting was Raphael to simply say, "Rosa's dead."

Magnus' heart broke right then and there. Raphael sounded so _broken_. He stood up immediately, ignoring the way Alec grumbled and rolled over, disturbed by the movement. Pulling on a jacket, he asked, "Where are you?"

"Central Park," Raphael said. "We always used to go there, when I visited her in the nursing home. I-" He cut himself off with what sounded suspiciously like a sob.

"Central Park? Raphael, the sun's nearly up, _fuck_ ," Magnus hissed, more to himself than Raphael.

Raphael didn’t reply. Magnus cursed a few more times as he hopped around, trying to put his shoes on while still staying on the call. "Okay, don’t go anywhere, I’m coming to get you."

Still no response, but whatever Raphael might have said would have been covered anyway by Alec dragging himself out of bed and asking through a yawn, "Babe, where’re you going? It’s five a.m."

Magnus really didn’t want to waste time explaining, so he simply said, "Back soon," and created a portal to Central Park.

Thank god, he had been to visit Rosa with Raphael a few times, and knew which part of the park they usually went to. Raphael was sitting on a bench at the side, oblivious to - or perhaps just not caring about - the sun that was nearly peeking over the horizon. When Magnus all but sprinted towards him, Raphael looked up. There were tear tracks staining his face.

"Oh, Raphael," Magnus whispered. Seeing the boy he had practically raised like this felt like a punch in the gut. "Come on, I’m taking you back to my loft."

Raphael didn’t reply. He just let Magnus pull him to his feet and portal them back to the loft.

When they landed back in Magnus' living room, Alec did a double take and spat out the coffee he was drinking. "Is that- Raphael?"

Magnus closed the blackout curtains with a flick of his wrist, then shot his boyfriend his kindest glare. The last time he remembered the two interacting was when Alec beat the shit out of Raphael after discovering his and Isabelle's yin fen arrangement, so they were likely not on the best of terms. He probably ought to talk to Alec about that, but right now Raphael took absolute priority. "Go back to bed, it’s nothing you need to worry about."

Alec lifted his cup hesitantly and pointed at the coffee maker on the counter. "But I made coffee-"

"That’s nice, now _go_." Honestly, Magnus loved Alexander, he really did, but, _god_ , the man could be dense.

Alec seemed to (very slowly) connect the dots, and eventually slipped back into their room without saying a word. Magnus offered up a brief prayer of thanks to whatever gods were listening that Alec didn’t stay and ask more questions, before turning his attention back to Raphael. He was standing in the middle of the room, eyes blank.

Magnus walked over to him and wrapped his arms around him. "When did she pass?" he asked softly.

"Two days ago." Now that they were so close, Magnus could feel Raphael trembling. "I got a call from the home."

"Two days ago?" Magnus pulled back in surprise, his hands on Raphael's shoulders. "Raphael, you should have come to me."

"I’m sorry." Raphael's voice was little more than a whisper, and Magnus frowned.

"You don’t have anything to be sorry for, sweet boy. I just wish you would talk to me about these things. You don’t have to go through this alone."

"I wasn’t alone." Raphael wasn’t meeting his eyes. "I called Isabelle."

Magnus took an almost involuntary step back. "You what?" He quickly looked Raphael over - he couldn’t see any of the outward effects of nephilim blood, but-

"Nothing happened," Raphael assured him. "But I nearly…" He swallowed and shook his head. "She promised she’d go to the funeral. It’s during the day."

Magnus lifted one hand to cup Raphael's cheek, and brought his head up to meet his eyes. "Why didn’t you come to me first?"

Despite the eye contact, Raphael still seemed detached when he said, "I didn’t want to bother you."

If Magnus was a vampire, that news would have felt like a stake through the heart. "Oh, _cariño_ …" 

"I’m sorry, Magnus, I’m so sorry, I should have called, I know I shouldn’t have called Isabelle…" Raphael was shaking now, clinging to Magnus like a lifeline. "I- I was just so _scared_ , Rosa's _dead_ and I don’t-" He was crying again, more than Magnus had seen him do so since his mother passed. "She didn’t even know who I _was_ , Magnus, she died thinking that her big brother _abandoned_ her, _fuck_ , and then _Simon_ turned up, and-" He cut himself off, shaking his head, breathing in short, ragged pants.

Magnus took his shoulders again and shook him gently. "Raphael, look at me. Breath with me, okay? In, and out." He demonstrated this, and after a moment, Raphael joined in. Magnus smiled encouragingly at him. "That’s good, Raphael, that’s good. In, and out." 

Eventually, Raphael's breathing settled and then stopped. It was strange, Magnus thought, that Raphael's mind tricked him into thinking he has to breath when he was panicked, but, after all, it wasn’t actually that long ago that the boy was still alive. Sixty years was practically nothing when you were immortal.

Magnus' train of thought was broken by Raphael hugging him tightly, and burying his face in his chest. "I nearly bit her," Raphael muttered, his voice muffled. "Isabelle. She had to stop me. I should- I should be able to control myself. It’s pathetic. I'm pathetic."

" _Hey_." Magnus was surprised at the strength of his own voice, and it seemed Raphael was too, when he looked up at him. "You’re not pathetic. In fact-" He took a breath before continuing. "It’s not unlike myself and Camille. The only difference here is that neither of you are at fault, and you have an actual excuse." He laughed self-deprecatingly. "I was just foolish."

Raphael frowned. "It wasn’t your fault-"

"That’s my _point_ , Raphael!" Magnus cried. "None of this is your fault. You’re not pathetic or at fault for everything that happened with Isabelle." Raphael opened his mouth, but Magnus cut him off. "And you’re not weak for grieving."

Raphael almost smiled. "How did you know I was going to say that?"

Magnus smiled too. "I told you, I can read you like an open book. It’s a side effect of raising someone."

Raphael laughed. It was hoarse, and it was so quiet that Magnus probably would have missed it if it wasn’t Raphael, but it was something. Raphael started to say something, but Magnus held up a hand. "And don’t you dare say that you’re sorry."

Raphael grinned, a proper one this time. "I wasn’t going to."

Magnus flicked the side of Raphael's head. "I want to help you through these things, _cariño_. Not to be cliché, but I know what you’re going through. And we'll both go through it a hell of a lot more times. That’s the price of immortality. But we have each other, hmm? And I'll always be just on the other end of a phone call when you need to talk to someone."

"I know." Raphael sighed. "It’s just… I knew being immortal meant that everyone would be gone, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. But when the last member of your family…" He shook his head.

"I know, _cariño_ ," Magnus said softly. "I understand. But not everyone will leave you. I will always be here."

"More's the pity," Raphael said dryly, and laughed when Magnus let out an offended gasp. "I know I don’t say it enough, but… thank you. For everything you’ve done for me."

Magnus shook his head, but smiled. "Don’t be ridiculous, my dear boy. You don’t need to thank me. You just need to know that I’m always here for you."

Raphael cleared his throat. "Right. I should probably go, then-"

He moved to walk to the door, but Magnus grabbed his wrist. "Oh, no you don’t. The sun's practically up, and I’m not letting you out of my sight for at least a week."

"Magnus, the clan-"

"Can manage without you for a few days, I’ll text Lily and Stan to let them know," Magnus finished for him. At Raphael’s glare, he said, "Grief is horrible, and scary, and Rosa was everything to you, and you act brooding and lonely but I know you hate being alone when these things happen, so don’t even try to lie to me. Besides, there’s no way you can make it back to the DuMort in time before the sun rises, I’m not portalling you, and I have blood in my fridge. So let’s just sit out here for the day, because you’re not allowed to be alone now."

Raphael looked a little taken aback, but sat down on the couch, so Magnus counted that as a win and started warming up a mug of blood in the microwave. When he walked back to the couch and handed the blood to Raphael, he asked, "Do you want to talk? About Rosa."

Instead of answering, Raphael said, "Shouldn’t you be getting back to your shadowhunter?"

Magnus waves his hand dismissively. "Alexander's a grown man. You’re the one who needs me right now."

Raphael took a long drink from the mug, and Magnus thought he wasn’t going to answer, when he said, "She sang, you know. When we were younger. I played piano and she sang."

"You play piano?" Magnus asked, surprised. "Why didn’t you ever say?"

Raphael shook his head. "Not any more. I haven’t played since I turned. I doubt I even remember how to read music." He tapped his fingers against his mug. "Maybe I’ll pick it up again."

"You should. It would be a nice way to remember her," Magnus said.

"Maybe I will." Raphael took another sip of blood before speaking again. "We took dance classes together. She wanted to do ballet, but our mother wouldn’t let her do it alone. All our brothers laughed at her, but I said I would go. They called me _princesa_ for a month." He smiled at the memory.

Magnus laughed. "That’s sweet. You were a wonderful brother."

Raphael shook his head. "But I wasn’t." Magnus started to say something, but Raphael spoke over him. "She thought I abandoned her. She didn’t remember-" He exhaled shakily. "She didn’t remember me saying goodbye. She didn’t remember _me_."

"But she loved you," Magnus said. "Maybe not as her brother, but as Raphael. As the man who visited her every Sunday, who brought her tamales because they didn’t make them the proper way at the home, who listened to all her stories about her family even though it killed you to have to pretend that you didn’t know what she was talking about. As the man who _loved_ _her_." He brushed a tear away from Raphael's cheek. "And that might not be perfect, but it’s not nothing."

Raphael didn’t say anything, just sighed and leaned into Magnus' side. They stayed like that for the better part of an hour, before Raphael mentioned Rosa again, and Magnus mentioned Ragnor, and then they were both crying and laughing and telling stories until Alec came out of his and Magnus' room and asked them what on earth they were doing.

Being immortal was tough. You loved, and you lost, and you kept doing it because you convinced yourself that it might not hurt this time. But some people, Magnus thought, gazing at Raphael and Alexander, who were miraculously almost getting along, if you didn’t count the mild insults thrown at one another every so often - some people made it all worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading! sorry the ending was kind of messy and sudden but what can u do. kudos and comments would be super super appreciated! even if it's just "this is shitty stop writing". well constructive criticism would be nicer but do what you want i don't own you. hope you enjoyed! <3


End file.
